my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
