I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
