Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you would pick up someone in the library
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
