She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
