my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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