Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
