I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
