WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
