i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
