good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
