You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
