you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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