I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
