How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
