she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
