you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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