she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
