No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
