Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
