so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
