if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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