He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
