dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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