Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
