It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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