I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
