six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
