I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
