I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
