Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
