but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
