So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
