vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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