I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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