Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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