She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
