He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
