No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
