How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
