$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
