i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are all done wearing pants today
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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