this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
