he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
