That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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