I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I love you. Go after that dick
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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