apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
