Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
