I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
