u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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