I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
