Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
