i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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